Dear Jennica,

I looked out over my East Berlin 'hof' (thats what they call the courtyards here) pouring a glass of orange juice for Hans this morning, and i was thinking about our conversation last night. Going along with all the zillions of people in Berlin (and the world) who have tried to live and love in Denmark and walked away with pockets full of bitterness is so much easier than trying to grow and belong there. I have come to this conclusion many many times. But how can i possibly re-shape myself to include a positive view of Denmark when i have based so much of myself existing there on the fact that i dont like it? I might even be hating it more each year. I used to laugh at the men in their business suits on their black bikes-- so competitive in the bike lanes. I at least had a sense of wonder about it all, but now i just think hes an asshole cutting me off. i have found i am growing more bitter about things, the older i get.

Well, i dont know if bitter is the right word. The right word might also be self-righteous jealousy. Except that that isnt a word.

When a person who i know gets something great, i am taken over by this cruel bitterness that they have that and i dont. i think you know what i mean because you kind of hated that girl who made that fabulous homemade lavender ice cream, right?

That i have been unable to stabilize my life and live in one place for longer than 6 months somehow becomes a reason for me to hate other people who have maintained that kind of a solid home-base. After i recognize that i am being insanely jealous, i feel guilty for thinking rude things and wishing they would have the same (mis)fortunes as me. Its not unlike Hans, who was up each hour last night puking. Retching into the toilet all night in our unheated bathroom sounds awful, but only violently throwing up gives you that great cleaned-out feeling you get right afterwards!! I sound like a closet bulimic, but i think you know what i mean. Anyways, i wish i could launch this bitter seed out of my body, and into the proverbial toilet so that i could be happy for other people and maybe even learn from them how i might bring some of this great stuff into my life.

But do other people only have great things because they sacrificed something along the way? How does this all fit into the whole pain= gain thing you were talking about?
Am i really ahead of those ppl with great homes and friends because i have done other things? Because i know the difference between chinese and japanese and i know how to milk a cow and carry chickens in the dark? And would i make these choices all over again, if i could go back and do it all again?

Yeah. Jen, i think i would.
I needed to try Montréal, i needed to find out that doing farm work made me lose 10lbs and my hair. I needed to run that bike co-op to see how all these things don't really work that hot.(even tho the mechanics might be mega-hot) So maybe the way to puke out my bitter pit is to really FEEL the goodness of my choices. Maybe i need to make an art project about all the greatness of my choices! To even-out my conscience's scolding for not having what other people have. Its like Henning in Vienna told me: If the goodbyes are too many and so painful, dripping with tears, you better make sure all the Hellos and meetings are equally proportions of happy!

In order to accept other people's lives gracefully, i need to accept mine first. Aha.

oh maturity, you are so coy, hiding from me and letting me behave so badly.
but i know you, jennica, are hauling all these garbage bags full of la-la ideas of the real world around too. and arent you supposed to be ahead in this maturity game? since when did i catch up? quick, share your wisdom and prove you got the goods!

Love,
Marie

ps: this is my new favourite song. its german band called Polar Kreis 18 and called Allein, Allein (which means Alone, Alone. and the video was filmed in Iceland. more on that little island later...)