Dear Jennica,

When i was little, and TV was forbidden, there were a few videos we were allowed to watch. one was anne of green gables, for example. and one was something like 'world's funniest commercials.' some kind of british best-of collection from the 80s. we watched that video so many times, we knew all the punchlines. one we used to quote all the time bears an uncanny resemblance to your last letter.

it went like this:
man with mohawk walking down the street. hes a punk in leather and his hawk is multi-coloured. a proper british lady voice in his head says 'If you want open a back account, you've got to look SMART.'
he looks at his reflection in the shop window and looks worried.
he gets a normal haircut
he looks at his reflection again and hears the lady saying the same thing...
he puts on a suit that doesnt fit him.
he takes off the eyeliner and facial piercings.
He finally walks into the bank and up to a teller, they are kind and he is satisfied with his efforts.
then he looks over and who is also being treated kindly at the wicket next to his?
two dirty punks in leather and metal.
man in suit too small for him has sudden realization of his own prejudices.
*cue sappy bank narrator saying how blabla bank appreciates ALL its customers and enjoys diversity.

so jennica, you are hearing that same british lady in your head. saying you wont be respected by mainstream people until you look SMART. or boring. or mainstream. i do that too. and i dont have an answer. i dont have an answer to anything tonight.

i was just glad to see you had written back.
i am feeling seriously LOW. we went and looked at an apartment tonight, and we were SO hopeful. but we got there and she said a man wants to buy the place and is going to the bank tomorrow and so maybe sort of probably not BLA BLA BLA.

we keep waiting for a fucking break!! this was just the fucking elephant that was already sitting on the camels broken back. we are homeless. unemployed. awaiting possible deportation. waiting waiting waiting. i am so sick to death of waiting, i could really hurt someone. i may already be hurting myself with all this, i feel like i am at the bottom of a really low downswing and i keep thinking, THIS has to be the bottom. y'know? how could it get worse? and it does. it keeps getting worse! whats worse than not having a job? having a job waiting for you and being forbidden from doing it by the immigration authorities! whats worse than feeling you dont belong in a country? waiting in line outside in the cold to go into and office and be told by a real live person that you dont belong!

i have got to get out of this mess. this mess in my brain and this mess in my life. i am so sick of these same dead circles of frustration.

tomorrow we have our meeting with the 'foreigner office.' then i have to call my new job and tell them that despite my being married to a Dane and having lived here for more than 2 years, that NO i am actually not allowed to work for them. even tho me being not allowed contravenes European Union law, no lawyer can help us because 'these cases never go anywhere.' and so NO, i cant start on Monday. NO you cant pay me 18 dollars an hour and NO there isnt a fucking thing any of us can do about it.

fuck that. fuck this!
m.